February 2 2025

When desire comes up against a wall of indifference, or gets rejected and bashed to be made small,…

stand in the want. Root in the desire.

Joshua, feel the distinction between want and need.

When I’m in need I get all eeeeeeeeee with me and please and need and “don’t you seeee meeee?” When need hits a wall then it’s a gift — a painful one, an exposure that the only actual need I have is to be shown that I am crawling instead of standing.

Desire, however, is so securely located in your being that it cannot be diminished by anyone, not even by your own self. It can be numbed (Hello I’m Joshua and I’m an alcoholic.) (Hello Joshua!), it can be ignored, but it is always there, ready and wanting to be lived.

I don’t think desire grows; I think we grow in our courage to access it, in our capacities to stand in our already desirous selves. Standing in desire changes everything, every interaction, every day. It’s a way of being, a fullness, a breathing connection to the source.

Standing in desire means that when I come up against a wall of indifference I know it has nothing to do with me. It will hurt, without a doubt, because desire and longing are inextricably bound to vulnerability. But the hurt is merely a beautiful indication that I have laid a part of me bear, making myself available to give and to receive.

To that indifference I can take my own fierce indifference, not to them as a person, but to their ambivalence.

Maintaining my desire will either transform their indifference or, if not, in this place in my life, I can take it elsewhere to where it will be met and received and enjoyed. My boys will feel it. What I make at work will be filled with it. It will radiate from me like a star gives life to a planet, affecting everything it touches.