December 28 2024
Five years sober. Five years of slowly releasing the clenched fist of control, of being just slightly more conscious of when that grip tightens, then loosening each little muscle again.
Five years of listening to and telling stories in meetings of how we, together, admit we are powerless, how we are believing that a power greater than ourselves can restore us, and how we are all making daily decisions to turn our lives over to the care of God as we individually and collectively understand God.
Five years of sitting in ashes and not drinking to avoid what they have to teach. Five years of learning to celebrate myself and others without inebriating substances to intensify what already possesses more intensity than can be understood.
Five years of lying, confessing, making amends. Manipulating, confessing, making amends. Stealing, confessing, making amends. And five years of doing those things and being too stubborn or too afraid to confess and make amends.
Five years of being such a mess and being so brilliantly stunning. Of being an awful father and a phenom of a father. Of thank you, I’m sorry, I love you, forgive me. Thank you, I’m sorry, I love you, forgive me.
Five years being. That’s it. More fully, more present, more broken, more grateful, more and more my self.
Like a good friend and a good man says, “I cannot do this without you. I need all the help I can get, and you all are apart of that, so thank you. I’ll keep coming back.”