September 5 2023

What remains of the hair on my head is almost all grey now. My beard is on that trail, not far behind. I have to shave my ears. I did not know that was a thing, but I’m not surprised. I injured my wrist a month ago and it still aches. Cleaning out my closet I came across two suits I haven’t worn in years. I hung them back up, fully knowing I can no longer fit in them, with that voice in the back of my mind that said maybe I’ll be able to one day. That’s the same voice that I’ve heard saying, “Of course you can still do a flip on the trampoline” when I’m at the trampoline park with the boys.

I need glasses. I hold books further away from my face, squinting, then sighing.

They don’t see the ear hair, the squinting eyes, the suits never worn again, or the aching wrist. They don’t see the bank account or the bills. They don’t see the check engine light on the dashboard of my body or the car.

They don’t need to see any of those things. They only see dad. They see what is standing before them in that moment, not the details or the physical appearance, but the presence, the being.

It’s comforting. Just be, Joshua. Be as fully as you can be. Let that be enough.

I stared into my youngest boy’s face the other morning while he was sleeping. I swear I saw him getting older.