August 28 2023

The 3rd step of the 12 steps in AA is this:

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God.

Daylight is diminishing. I have generally dreaded the night — a fear rises in me. And so from June 21 to December 21, as the days get shorter and shorter, my distaste for autumn and winter grows. The seasons themselves are fine, but being forced into that much darkness unsettles me.

This is especially true when I believe that and live into the idea that I am in control (even as the seasons are telling me that, obviously, I am not).

The 3rd step, when embodied, and even simply in theory, brings comfort. I’m not in control. I need so much help. Joshua, turn your will and your life, your thoughts and your actions, over to God as you understand God.

Then some recurring phrases from the Jewish Scriptures and the New Testament start churning in my body: Do not be afraid. Do not fear.

With turning my will and life over to the care of God, and with the embracing call that tells me I do not need to be afraid — maybe I can welcome the darkness.

I am dipping my toes into new waters this season:

I see you autumn. I welcome you. I feel you , sweet darkness. Come close.

••••••••••

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.
When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.
Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.
There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.
The dark will be your womb tonight.
The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.
Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn
anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.

(Sweet Darkness by David Whyte)